I’ve always had a hard time letting things go.  And, I don’t mean something from earlier in the week or a decision that was made last month.  I routinely waste time critiquing things from deep in my past and second guessing choices I’ve made.  I’ll find myself thinking about events from high school and college.  I’ll relive time that I wasted in my 20s.  I’ll dog myself for career initiatives I didn’t take more than a decade ago.  It’s ridiculous. 

I also try to convince myself that there is value in this self-examination and that it allows me to learn from my past and apply new wisdom going forward.  There is probably some truth to that, but more often than not, my reflections on the past lead down a rabbit hole of self-criticism where I envision the fictional outcomes to the alternatives I didn’t pursue.  I reach a point where any value of the exercise is grossly overshadowed by detrimental self-loathing.  This process never considers the good decisions I’ve made.  It only dwells on the things that could have been done differently throughout various stages of my life.  With the knowledge of a grown man, I reflect and judge the choices I made at 18, or 25, or in my early 30s.

We’re all aware of the Golden Rule which says to treat others the way you would want to be treated.  Most of us have also heard the extension of this wisdom that says to treat yourself the way you would treat others. Surprisingly, it’s the latter that is much harder to do.  People are generally kind, or, at the very least, most people aren’t proactively mean.  Even on our bad days, we hold a door for someone else, we thank the cashier, we fake a smile to a stranger.  We may not feel like being nice everyday, but rarely do we go out of our way to be rude.  Yet, we don’t grant ourselves this same courtesy.  When it comes to how we treat ourselves, we are judgemental and quick to criticize.  We belittle ourselves for the smallest infractions and feel self conscious as we compare our lives to those of everyone around us. 

We do all this with the idea that we should have done better.  We should have made better choices, we should have studied harder, we should have worked more, we should have had more discipline.  Had we not been lazy, or shy, or intimidated, then we would have accomplished more, we’d have more, we’d be skinnier, we’d have our shit together.  Personally, there was always something that should have been done and everything that was done could have been done better.  It never stopped.  That is, until this past year.  

It didn’t happen all at once and it wasn’t due to any particular event, but I finally was able to change my perspective on the past.  Put simply, I saw what I’d previously been blind to – that all my past decisions weren’t made by me, or at least not by the current me.  Every choice was decided and each move was made by a younger version of me who was doing the best he could with what he knew at the time.  

More broadly speaking, I began to understand myself as different people throughout my life.  I think this applies to all of us.  Yes, you are always the same person, but everyone’s life breaks up into stages and at each stage we evolve into a different adaptation of ourselves.  There is no formal transition, but you understand when and how you’ve changed throughout your life.  With each evolution, you grow into a new person who is tasked with venturing into uncharted territory.  The kid who entered high school was breaking new ground just as the person who left home for college was entering the unknown.  You’d never been a young adult when you got your first real job.  You had never gotten married, or been a parent, or had gray hair.  It was all new to the person who had to do it.  Yet, we look back and so often criticize the decisions of those versions of ourselves who didn’t know what to do but who still journeyed ahead and battled through their respective stage in our lives.  

Every decision you have ever made has led you to where you sit at this very moment.  Could things be better?  Maybe.  But, life could definitely be worse and the reason it isn’t is because some version of you at different times in the past made good decisions.  Everyone had their part and everyone did their job.  You’ve each carried the baton for that leg of the race before handing it off to the next evolution of you.  Some of you had a bad stretch while some of you made breakthroughs, but you were always on the same team and you were always doing the best you could.   

While I used to critique the decisions I made at 18, I now applaud everything that high school senior did for us.  He was young and inexperienced and we needed him to make big decisions that charted the path for us going forward.  It’s not fair to knock him for what he didn’t know or for what he didn’t do.  He examined the world around him and made the best decision he could.  

Instead of bemoaning the kid I was in my early 20s, I appreciate the effort he made as he blindly ventured into the working world.  He persevered through the shitty jobs and the mountains of self doubt.  He didn’t quit and he didn’t complain.  He kept grinding because he had faith that the answers would eventually reveal themselves.  

As that same guy matured, and got married, and had kids, he was doing it all for the first time.  He accepted his role and carried the torch into new territory.  His job was to learn from the past and move ahead with his best judgment.  

This lesson applies to all of us.  You’ve always done your best.  No matter what you think right now, you never had it easy and you always did what you thought was right.  Don’t boo the decisions of the past.  Applaud those versions of yourself who made the hard choices and know that they are cheering for you now.  They are proud of what you’ve all collectively become and they are excited to see where you take it from here.  They have gotten you this far and now it’s your turn.  Show them what you can do.  Show them it was all worth it.  You were all a part of this.  You are all in this together.