“Hello?”

“Hey.”

“Hey, what’s up?”

“Nothing. So, listen to this. The other day we’re grilling out and we’re having chicken. It’s been a while since I’ve grilled chicken so I googled how to do it.”

“You don’t know how to grill chicken?”

“Yes, I know how to do it, but I couldn’t remember the specifics. Like, I do steak and burgers a lot more. I couldn’t remember whether you do it on high heat or for how long.”

“There’s so much to keep up with.”

“Can I get to my point?”

“Please.”

“So, I’m googling and just looking for what grill temperature to use and how long to keep them on. One of the top searches is ‘How to Grill Chicken: 4 Easy Steps’. I click on the link and it brings me to an article. Each of the ‘easy’ steps is three to four paragraphs of narrative bullshit about the experience of grilling, the equipment you need to have, the different marinades that the author likes, etc.”

“What’s your point?”

“My point is that it’s a 1,000 word article. The headline advertised a list. All I needed was a list. A list of steps. Set the grill to medium, grill for 20 minutes, flip halfway through. That’s all I needed. I think that’s all anyone who clicked on the article needed. Yet, our author turned 50 words into 1,000 by falsely advertising his easy steps.”

“Hmmm. Sounds a little picky.”

“Is it? It’s not just this one occurrence either. I’ve found that it’s everywhere. Everything is based on SEO and so they —”

“Based on what?”

“SEO. Search Engine Optimization. It’s what makes your link appear on the first page of a google search. You basically insert all the key related words into your language so that google views your article as the most relatable or helpful. In order to do this, people cram as many related buzzwords into their content. It’s the reason that a list about grilling chicken turns into a 1,000 word article. They need all those paragraphs to cram in every key word related to grilling chicken. It’s insane.”

“Wow. You’re really opening my eyes.”

“You’re welcome. You can google ‘how to change a light bulb’ and the search results will be articles. Instead of ‘unscrew the hold one and screw in the new one’, you’ll get an article that explains how first you need to select the correct lighting for each room. Then, it will explain the difference between soft and hard lighting. It’ll go into the author’s preferred brands of light bulbs. It’ll recommend safety concerns. If you’re standing on a chair, make sure you have someone assisting you. Be sure to discard the old light bulb properly as the glass can easily break and be hazardous.”

“I’m trying it now.”

“Go for it.”

“Holy shit. You’re right. The first one I clicked on has seven steps and within each step are four to five bullet points.”

“See? The world has gone insane. Why can’t people just provide a list? Everything has to be overcomplicated now.”

“I got to say, I get your point. This is crazy.”

“I knew you’d get it.”

“Ok, now I’m googling, ‘How to get your friend to stop wasting your time’.”

“Screw you.”

“Look at that. It’s an article. Step one is, ‘Is he really a friend?’”

“I called you with a real issue. Not cool.”

“Step two: ‘Does he insist on bothering you with the minor annoyances he continually discovers?’”

“Bye.”

“Step three: ‘Does he immediately bail on a conversation if you don’t agree with him’”

“I’m hanging up.”

“Step four: ‘Just hang up on him’.”