“Hello?”

“Hey, what’s up?”

“Nothing. What’s going on?”

“Dude, life is so awkward.”

“So fucking awkward. What happened?”

“So, I’ve mentioned to you that a couple years ago, I started working out at lunch?”

“You still doing that?”

“When I can, yes. So, today I was going for a run. Like most people, I usually listen to music or sometimes a podcast. Today in particular, I wanted to listen to this podcast interview with this porn star.”

“Is it her podcast? Or, is she the one being interviewed?”

“She’s being interviewed on Lance Armstrong’s podcast.”

“He has a podcast?”

“Yes.”

“Is it any good?”

“No, he’s fucking terrible. He actually made me appreciate how good some people actually are at interviewing. But anyway, this chick is on his podcast and I want to hear it.”

“Why?”

“Because I am fascinated to hear about porn stars. I want to hear why they do it or why they got into it. You are willingly becoming, or hoping to become, a social pariah. You not only want to do something that will brand you as an outcast, but you want to promote yourself doing it. It’s such a weird concept because there is no coming back. You know, you could spend 10 years in a punk rock band or working as a pro wrestler and still reenter society with a charming story. You can’t do porn and then become an accountant and expect things to be normal. So, that’s why I’m just very interested in it.”

“OK. That makes sense. How did you even know about it?”

“I follow Lance Armstrong on Twitter.”

“Why?”

“Who knows?  Same reason I follow 90% of the people I do.”

“So anyway, I mentioned to my group that I’m going for a run, but before I go I want to download the podcast in the office because there is no wifi downstairs in the gym. But, something keeps fucking up. The download keeps stalling. Plus, we had a meeting coming later so I needed to hurry. Well, as I’m sitting there waiting for the fucking download, coworkers keep asking what I’m doing and telling me I better get going.

“Well, I vaguely explain that I’m trying to download something. Then, someone jokingly asks what is so important about what I’m downloading, again implying I’m short on time. Well, by this time, two other people are sort of listening and I have to say something, but I obviously can’t tell them I want to hear this porn star interview.”

“So, what did you tell them?”

“I told them it was an interview with Rafael Palmeiro.”

“The old baseball player?”

“Yes.”

“Why the fuck did you say that?”

“I don’t know. It was the first thing that came to mind. The porn star is Latin so maybe that influenced it somehow.”

“Wow. That is pretty random. So, catastrophe averted?”

“No. I haven’t gotten to the awkward part. The awkward thing is when I get back, one of the guys starts asking me about Rafael Palmeiro and asking me where he can find the podcast.”

“Awesome.”

“Exactly. So, I start stumbling around trying to think of something to say. I go so far as to clarify this was a podcast and not something on the radio. He states to me that he understands the distinction. So, I tell him it was an ESPN guy that I don’t normally listen to and that I can’t remember the guy’s name.

‘Well, I’m holding the fucking device which contains this information, so the logical thing would be for me to look at it and tell him the name of the ESPN guy. I don’t do that because obviously I can’t do that. I tell him I’ll get it for him after I run to the bathroom.”

“Is he buying all this?”

“Yes, but only because why would you assume anyone would be lying about this? But, he’s definitely looking at me like I’m acting weird as shit, which of course, I am. So, I go to the bathroom, go into a stall, and start searching for Rafael Palmeiro podcast interviews. Turns out, the fucker hasn’t done an interview in years. I can’t find anything. Finally, I have to come out, so I work up a bullshit lie to tell him.”

“What did you say?”

“I tell him that I can’t find it. I feign shock and explain it’s no longer there. I tell him that I heard of it from another podcast and downloaded it, but that now it’s as if it’s already been taken down. I go a step further to explain that a Google search doesn’t even turn up a reference to it.”

“Does he buy it?”

“I guess. He looks at me like you’d imagine, like he doesn’t believe me but that this is such a stupid subject that it’s not worth any prying.”

“And you?”

“I take the out and escape. What else can I do? I go sit down and replay what I just said, trying to decipher just how stupid I sounded. The rest of my afternoon was shot. So, yeah, life is fucking awkward as shit.”

“Awkward as shit. And, just imagine how awkward that guy thinks life is right now.”

“Yeah, well, fuck him. And, fuck Rafael Palmeiro. Come out of your fucking cave.”