“Hello?”

“Hey.”

“Hey, man. What’s up?”

“Nothing. So, you know what I was thinking?”

“What?”

“You remember that time at Mardi Gras senior year when Christine Pratten threw up all over herself? And, she kind of had to sit there in it for a while?”

“Absolutely. Easily one of the top 10 funniest things I’ve ever seen.”

“Me too. It was hilarious. Set aside the fact that we were teenagers parading around New Orleans with coolers of alcohol and zero supervision. That was a historical moment and I will always remember her for that.”

“Agreed.”

“Now, have you spoken to her since then?”

“What?”

“Have you ever spoken to her since then? Either about that incident or about anything else?”

“No. Why?”

“Never?”

“Never. I don’t think I have ever talked to her. We didn’t even really know her. It wasn’t like we were friends. She was just a random high school person you knew through common association. I really only remember her because of that day.”

“Exactly. Me too. Now, think about that for a second. We never knew her, never really spoke to her, but we both recall that day in her life which I’m sure she was, and perhaps still is, ashamed of.”

“OK.”

“Now, realize that right now, there are other people out there who have a similar memory of you about something you did at some point.”

“Like who?”

“Like anyone. Someone, somewhere, remembers something stupid you did at some time in your life. And, that is their lasting, or only, memory of you.”

“I never thought of it like that.”

“I know. It’s messed up.”

“Very messed up. All the sudden I’m thinking of the random things I remember about people I hardly knew.”

“And for every one of those stories you think of, there are nooks of people who recall a similar story about you.”

“Remember senior year when Michelle Glaxton got that awful short haircut, and she basically had to wear it all year as grew out?”

“Yep. And just as we’re talking about that, some group recalls that night in college when you passed out at that party in the living room. When everyone piled shit up on you and you just slept like that for hours while the party went on.”

“I don’t like to think about that.”

“I know, but someone does. They may not have even known you that well, they may not even remember your name, but they remember that night. Some group of girls gets together and when stories get thrown around, someone recalls that one about you. And, it doesn’t stop there. You are the subject of countless anecdotes among countless pockets of friends. It’s not personal or malicious, you’re just the main character in random stories that various groups of people like to retell.”

“I can feel my anxiety rising just thinking about it.”

“I know, but there’s nothing you can do. And, it’s nothing to worry about. It’s normal. We all live in our own world and subconsciously believe that the universe stops when we aren’t present. We all intuitively know that isn’t true and we know that everyone lives individual lives, but our programming makes it hard for us to accept the fact that we are just bit players and character actors in the lives of everyone else around us.”

“Dude, why did you call me with this shit?”

“Sorry, I didn’t think it was something you couldn’t handle. If you think about it, it’s no different than how people talk about you when you’re not around.”

“What the fuck does that mean?”

“Think about it. Do you ever talk about your friends with other friends? Not necessarily talking shit, but like the way you lovingly bitch about the friends who aren’t there?”

“I guess.”

“You guess? No, you know. You know how you and I discuss everyone. It’s normal. But, you also have to know that when you’re not around, you’re the one getting discussed. You’re the one your friends are picking apart.”

“So who’s talking shit about me?”

“Everyone. Everyone you know has. Same as how you’ve talked shit about everyone you know at some point.”

“OK, I’m going to go.”

“Oh, come on. Don’t be like that.

“I’m going to brainstorm some of your finest moments.”

“Please do. Let me know what you come up with.”

“Hell no. I’m calling everyone else to discuss it. I just want you to know what we’ll be talking about.”

“OK. Bye.”

“Good day.”