“Hello?”

“Hey, man.”

“Hey, bud.”

“Let me ask you something, and tell me if I’m crazy, have you ever smelled an ear infection?”

“Have I ever what?”

“Smelled an ear infection.”

“Dude, what the fuck are talking about?”

“You have young kids. Those fuckers get ear infections all the time. Have you ever smelled one?”

“No, I haven’t. And, to answer your prior question, yes, I think you’re crazy.”

“So when your kid has an ear infection, you’ve never noticed that you can actually smell it?”

“No, I have not. And, I’m a little concerned that this is a normal thing to you. Is there something I’m missing? Like, do other people do this?”

“None that I’ve come across thus far. I’ve asked some people at work and the pediatrician. They all looked at me weird and had a similar reaction to yours.”

“For good reason. And, those reactions didn’t signal anything to you? Like, maybe it isn’t normal?”

“Not really, because I think it’s legit. Look, my kids’ ears are awful. Between the two of them, I think we’ve had over 20 ear infections. We’ve gotten to know the symptoms quite well. Runny nose, irritability, trouble sleeping. Those are obvious. But, I’ve also learned that you can smell it as well.”

“So, this is your method of diagnosing the problem?”

“Yeah, you could say that. Think about it, it’s an infection which means there’s bacteria growing in there. Any bacteria will put off an odor. It only makes sense that you can smell it.”

“I see your point, but does it really put off that much of a scent?”

“Oh yeah. Definitely. It smells like used dental floss.”

“Like what?”

“Floss. You know how dental floss smells awful after you’ve used it?”

“No, I don’t. Dude, what the fuck are you up to? I’m a little nervous about what you’re telling me. And, I’m even more concerned about what you haven’t told me.”

“You’ve never smelled used floss?”

“I have not.”

“Well, you have to. It’s awful. Think about it. It’s clearing out all that crap stuck between your teeth. Little fragments of food get wedged in there and then start to decay. The decay is basically bacteria breaking it down. That puts off an awful smell.”

“Sounds lovely.”

“So, that bacteria stink on your used floss is kind of the same thing I can smell in my kids’ ears when they have an infection. So, it’s become a way for us to diagnose the issue without going to the doctor. Saves us the co-pay.”

“That’s fucking disgusting.”

“Why? It’s legitimate and saves us money.”

“Did the pediatrician acknowledge this was a reasonable method for diagnosis? Or rather, does he or she smell their ears when you take them in.”

“She looked at me weird when I explained it. And, no, she doesn’t smell them but she also has all the instruments that allow her to see in there.”

“Man, that’s just weird.”

“Well, sorry for asking. As a parent, I thought you’d find it interesting.”

“Can you listen to their neck to determine if they have strep throat?”

“Stop it.”

“Can you look up their ass to diagnose diarrhea?”

“You’ve made your point. Stop.”

“Can you lick their face to determine a headache?”

“Fuck off. Good-bye.”