“So, John, there’s something I want to discuss with you so that I can explain myself a little bit.  But, look, I don’t want this to be awkward and I’m not trying to sound dramatic.”

Staring across the desk at me, it was clear that John now expected this exchange to be awkward and dramatic. I couldn’t blame him. I would have too.

I’d worked with John for seven years. We were friends. We texted about sports.  We got together outside of work.  Our relationship delved well below the surface level of most office relationships.  As such, I understood his uneasiness when I scheduled a specific time for him and I to meet.

“So, I wanted to carve out some space to chat because I didn’t want to just pop in and drop this while you were in the middle of something else. I feel I owe you an explanation for some things that I should have brought up a while ago.”

Again, this did little to alleviate the tension in the room. In fact, it just made it worse.

“OK, so back over the summer when we worked on the PMT deal, I feel like things got off course internally and I believe we each have a different opinion about why that happened. Ultimately, I feel like you and I ended up on different sides. And, actually, I feel like I ended up on a side all by myself. I kind of felt like I was a bit alienated internally based on the fall out of that deal.”

John didn’t agree with nor dispute my comment. He just remained quiet and listened as I continued.

“I’m not so blindly arrogant that I believe I’m right and the world is wrong. Given that I felt isolated, I am cognizant that I may have been the one who was in the wrong, and that I was simply unable to realize it. After everything happened, I felt a change with a few people.  I can’t necessarily explain or describe it, but things have just been different between me and some coworkers since then. Now, I have plenty of coworkers around here, but I have very few friends. And, I guess it was easier to stomach the cold shoulder when it came from coworkers, but it was a lot harder to take when it came from friends. I always have and still do consider you one of my friends around here. And, I feel like our relationship changed after everything happened. And, I’m not saying I blame you for that because I’d probably have done the same thing. My point is to say I’m sorry. I’m sorry for how that all played out. I’m sorry for the part you had to deal with. And, I’m still sorry that there’s been a lingering hangover from it all.”

John remained in his chair and looked at me. For a moment I wondered if he’d tuned out what I’d just said. Filling the void, I continued.

“Look, I’m not trying to be awkward. I’d just rather risk this awkward moment than leave this unsaid because it’s been on my mind and I want to make amends for it.”

“Well, man,” he said, “I really appreciate this. Not that I needed your apology, but I appreciate you bringing this up. I know it wasn’t easy. For what it’s worth, I’ve never been mad at you. However, if my demeanor towards you suggested otherwise, I apologize. I never blamed you. I understand how things work and I don’t think you ever had any sinister intent. Sometimes shitty things happen and when they do, we just have to deal with them. But, I was never mad at you and never intentionally meant to treat you differently. In fact, I can kind of identify with you. I felt very similar to what you described. While I wasn’t the fall guy, I was the one charged with cleaning up the mess. And, the mess didn’t get cleaned up. So, some of the things you’re describing, I felt those things too.  I’ve felt, or at least perceived, some resentment from others and I’ve probably acted defensively as a result.  I’m sure I’ve given off a negative vibe at times, but that was never my direct intent.  I’m thinking you may be carrying around an unnecessary burden of guilt as well.  But, at least for my part, I’m not mad at you and I never was. But again, I appreciate you saying something. I know this was hard, so I appreciate you initiating this.”

That wasn’t the end of our conversation, but it was the end of the difficult part. John stayed in my office and we bullshitted a bit longer. We both felt better. I don’t think either of us had felt there was a major problem, but it was clear we were both happy for the discussion we’d just had.

After John left, I reflected on our talk. It’d been great. It felt great to do it and it felt great to have it behind us. My only regret was having not done it sooner. It’d taken all of two minutes.  I could have done this months ago. I thought about why I hadn’t and the only reason I came up with was pride. Pride had prevented me from talking with a friend and admitting my faults. There were things I’d been upset about and I hadn’t felt I was completely in the wrong, and that’s where my pride had stopped me. I’d been unwilling to admit my share of the blame before others had admitted theirs. And, that had cost me three months of my relationship with a friend.

Sitting there on the other side of the conversation, it seemed so silly.  The answer had been simple and I couldn’t believe how long I’d avoided it. Communication, no matter how awkward, always works. It’s uncomfortable and it’s easy to put off, but it always improves the situation. There’s a relief that comes with showing your cards and having others reveal theirs. Sometimes the conversation will go well and sometimes it won’t.  But, even if the solution you reach isn’t perfect, it’s better than carrying any burden of resentment. 

Whether it’s a friend or relative, or even a coworker or neighbor, simply acknowledging an issue is most of the battle.  Forcing yourself past the tipping point of discomfort is all it takes.  Once the problem is laid bare for you both to see, there’s no choice but to address it.  The words will come and the mending process will follow.  Within any relationship, when grudges or bitterness feel imprisoning, communication will set you free.