“Hello?”

“Hey.”

“Hey, man. Whatta you got?”

“So, at work, I’m known as the healthy guy.”

“They call you that?”

“No. I mean, like, I work out at lunch and always have healthy food.”

“Got it, healthy guy.”

“Seriously?”

“Sorry. Continue.”

“Anyway, picture the workforce at a typical American corporation. It’s not the pinnacle of physical health. Just a floor of office workers living sedentary lifestyles and eating shit all day. The break room is always filled with people eating complete crap, so when I come walking through with carrots and an apple, I get endless comments.”

“What are some of the comments?”

“Just, ‘I don’t know how you eat that?’ or ‘I need to follow your example’. The best actually is when people try to justify something. I had one lady tell me, ‘carrots have a lot of sugar’. As if the sugar content in carrots, and apples for that matter, is the reason she steers clear of them. Anyway, you get the picture. It’s a bunch of out of shape, unhealthy people.”

“Got it. Sounds lovely.”

“Oh, it is. Anyway, another thing I eat are these smoothies I make at home. I bring them to work in mason jars and leave them in the fridge during the day. So, the other day, a lady at work saw them and asked me if I was the one who brings in the chocolate mousse each day and then added, ‘I didn’t think that would be in your diet’.”

“Seems like a random thing to ask.”

“Doesn’t it? I guess my smoothies look like chocolate mousse, or at least to her they do. So, she asks if I made some chocolate mousse, two mason jars of it, mind you, and asks what I put in it. However, she also added the snide comment that it wasn’t something she thought I would eat.”

“And this bothered you?”

“Yeah, a little. I wanted to ask her if I seemed like a person who eats two mason jars of chocolate mousse each day?”

“What’s in it?”

“I don’t know. But, it’s fucking mousse. I’m guessing sugar, chocolate, other crap, and more sugar. So, I tell her no, and explain the jars are smoothies. She then asks what’s in those. I tell her, and then she goes on about how she eats a similar smoothie every morning. She then offers alternative recipes which, low and behold, seem to substitute a lot of the fruit and replace it with junk.”

“And you were offended?”

“Yes, yes I was. I mean, this lady is conservatively 100 lbs overweight and couldn’t move 200 consecutive yards without resting. Like, if there was a fire and use of the stairs was required, she’d be in serious jeopardy. Yet, she’s dropping her smoothie recipe on me as if she’s a practicing vegan.”

“Maybe she was just being nice. Or, maybe she’s curious about how to eat better?”

“I wish the world was that type of place. But, unfortunately, it is not. She was initially trying to make a dig at me. But then, when that wasn’t happening, she tried to consult with me on healthy smoothie contents. It was a little obnoxious. It’d be like me talking to our pediatrician and suggesting alternative methods for treating my child’s ear infections. In the back of her mind she’d be thinking, ‘Thank you, person who knows nothing on the topic. What on earth gives you the notion that we can have a conversation as equals on this subject?’.”

“So, that’s how you felt? That this person had no business speaking to you as an equal?”

“In regard to healthy eating, yes, that is how I felt. There are certain arenas in life where people earn an elite status. If you are a practicing musician and have been playing guitar since you were 10, you don’t want someone to chat you up about alternative ways to play a chord. A working comedian, who’s spent years hitting open mics and low paying gigs, doesn’t want to hear your ideas on how to set up a joke. I constantly have people who want to tell me about the workout they’ve been doing for all of three weeks and compare it to my last 25 years.”

“Maybe these are actually nice people trying to talk about a relatable subject?”

“No, they certainly are not that. They are members of a class in society that tries to piggyback on the accomplishments of others to make themselves feel relevant in a space where they are not.”

“Wow. That’s a bit elitist.”

“No it’s not. At your next meeting, how would you feel if the summer intern chimed in with some business development ideas? How would you like it if your fuck-up cousin suggested how to handle your kids? It’s the same thing.”

“I think you’re going a bit far with this.”

“Whatever. You eat as much chocolate fucking mousse as you want. I’m not interested.”

“What does that even mean?”

“I’ll get you the recipe.”

“That doesn’t even make sense.”

“Chocolate mousse.”

“Bye.”

“Bye. I’ll mousse you.”