“Hello?”

“Hey, what’s up?”

“Hey, man.”

“You want to know the worst thing in the world?”

“Yes, I do.”

“Down pillows.”

“What?”

“Down pillows.”

“Pillows are the worst thing in the world?”

“No. Down pillows are the worst thing in the world.”

“Beyond AIDS, hunger, and world suffering?”

“Yes, at the end of that list is down pillows.”

“What’s your problem with down pillows?”

“My problem is that it’s a pillow made of needles.”

“What?”

“Fucking needles.”

“You mean feathers?”

“Feathers with needles at the end of them. I mean, everyone raves about down pillows. Oh, they’re so fucking soft and great. Tell me, have you ever used one without getting stuck by a fucking feather needle that was popping out of it?”

“Actually, you have a point.”

“I know. They’re awful. I can’t think of a worse thing to make a pillow out of. I mean, I get that back in the day a feather was the softest thing we had and supplies were limited. So back then, we made due. But, there is no reason to continue this practice or act like some old grandma pillow is wonderful because it’s made of goose needles. Like, ‘Oh, you want to take a nap? How about you lay your face on this reverse pincushion. That should be comfortable’.”

“People do love to rave about them.”

“Right? It’s one of those bullshit things that people think they are supposed to like but no one will admit is actually awful. It’s like going to the beach with a one-year-old or being an attorney. On the surface it sounds desirable, but in reality it fucking sucks.”

“I hear you. But, are down pillows the ones that are bad? I thought down was a different type of feather from what we think of as actual feather pillows?”

“Dude, I don’t fucking know. Let’s not get tied up with the semantics. You know what I’m talking about. My problem is with the pillows made out of feathers that inevitably stick you whenever you try to use the thing.”

“OK, sorry.”

“It’s fine, just don’t get off point. I mean, these things are so ridiculous that I’m astonished we still use them in society. There are reasons we’ve moved on from cloth diapers and black and white television. Once we found a better alternative, society collectively moved away from the old method. But yet, we still cling to the feather pillow like it demonstrates a level of class or sophistication that our less polished neighbors lack. It’s mind boggling.”

“Man, you’re really worked up. Did some recent incident stoke this anger?”

“Recent? No. But, the last 40 years of personal experience has. I am aware of at least three feather pillows in my house. Two of them sit on these chairs in the living room. At least once a week, I’ll sit down and get pricked in the back. Drives me fucking crazy.”

“Why don’t you just get rid of them?”

“My wife likes them, and I’m careful about picking my battles.”

“Understood. So, what can we do?”

“I don’t know. Just spread the word. Shame people. Whatever you can do.”

“Alright, well, I’ll do my best.”

“Thanks. That’s all I ask.”