“Hello?”

“Hey, what’s up?”

“Nothing. What’s up?”

“Do you ever have trouble with belt holes?”

“What?”

“Do you ever have trouble with belt holes?”

“No, I heard you. Just, what the fuck are you talking about?”

“I’m talking about the holes in your belt. You know how you put one on, feed it through the loops on your pants, and then fasten it through the holes on the belt.”

“Yes. I’m well versed in the mechanics of a belt. I’ve actually used one many times. What is the problem with your belts?”

“I’m in between holes.”

“What does that mean?”

“It means I’m like, in between sizes of the holes. Like, if I do the third hole, the belt is too tight and it rides up above my waist. If I do the fourth hole, it sags down and looks sloppy. Do you have any idea what I’m talking about?”

“Yeah, kind of. Like, I have two pairs of jeans, but my belt only fits well with one of the pairs. So, if I need to tuck in my shirt, I have to be strategic about which pair I put on.”

“So, you feel my pain?”

“I don’t know if this is a pain.”

“OK, not pain, but you know. Like, with all my work pants, I either pull it tight which is then uncomfortable all day, or I leave it loose which I then feel self conscious about. Anytime I get up, I feel I have to push my waist line down so there isn’t a noticeable slack in my belt.”

“The slack is the worst. Around Christmas I had someone ask if I’d lost weight because of my slack. And, it wasn’t in the complementary way. It was in the ‘have you been sick’ kind of way.”

“Horrible. But, that’s what it feels like. It’s like you’re wearing your dad’s belt or something. But, the problem with the no slack route is the gas.”

“The gas? What do you mean?”

“I mean how when you go tight and then sit at a desk all day, that buckle just burrows into your pelvic area. It gives me gas.”

“I would have thought that’d help release the gas?”

“Are you going to argue this point with me? I just know that going tight gives me gas. Like, if I eat and my body breaks the food down, the gas doesn’t have it’s normal storage area. So, it collects up higher in my abdomen. Or, I fart all day which isn’t any better.”

“I tell you, the perils we face. I guess we could shop for different belts.”

“Possibly. But, I’ve come up with a better solution.”

“What?”

“I’ve added a hole to all my belts.”

“What do you mean? Like extra notch holes?”

“Yes. I’ve added a sixth hole in my belt, right between the third and the fourth.”

“How did you do this?”

“With a screwdriver.”

“A screwdriver?”

“Yeah, I just bore a hole into the thing using a screwdriver.”

“That must look great.”

“It looks fine.”

“Very classy.”

“When was the last time you inspected the holes of someone else’s belt? Plus, it works. No more slack or tightness. Just a smooth fitting belt.”

“Well, I guess you’ve solved the mystery. Congratulations.”

“Thank you. And, you’re welcome. Just wanted to see if this was a common problem and also share my solution.”

“You’re a saint, and an innovator. The sixth hole, who’d a thunk it?”

“Me. That’s who.”