“Hello?”

“Hey, what’s up?”

“Nothing. What’s up with you.”

“Nothing. So, do you ever wonder where sayings come from?”

“What do you mean?”

“Like figures of speech. Just the regular sayings everyone uses all the time. Where did they come from?”

“I don’t know. I guess at some point they were each coined by someone.”

“Well, yeah, obviously. But, like, do you think people just dreamt them up as fictional analogies?”

“Probably not. I imagine most of them actually happened at some point. Then, someone probably started referencing that event and it was such a good metaphor that others started using it.”

“Right. That’s what I was thinking as well.”

“Great. I’m glad we got to the bottom of that.”

“Yeah, but think about how these things actually occurred.”

“We just covered that.”

“No. What I mean is how did those initial instances play out?”

“Like what?”

“Like anything. Like saying, ‘Don’t beat around the bush’. How did that start?”

“I don’t know. I think it had something to do with certain birds that lived in certain bushes and people would drive them out by beating around the base of bushes. You know, as opposed to whacking the middle of the bush, I imagine”.

“Exactly. And, eventually someone realized that phrase made sense in other situations and so it became a common saying.”

“Great. We’ve cracked the code. Thanks for calling.”

“That wasn’t my point.”

“Then get to your fucking point?”

“My point is that all phrases are rooted in some truth or some actual event, right?”

“Most likely.”

“So, the other day I was with someone who referenced something as being like, ‘a turd in the punch bowl’.”

“OK.”

“Well, do you think that ever happened?”

“I’m sure at some point it has.”

“Do you think it was one crazy time and someone immediately coined the phrase?”

“I don’t know. I guess maybe in some corner of the world, that became the crazy thing to do at a party. Like wearing the lampshade on your head, but instead these people shit in the communal beverage.”

“Yeah, that’d probably make more sense. So, like, in this time and place in the world, like any other, there’d be the people at a party who got a little too rowdy. And, sooner or later, one of them would take a dump in the punch bowl and then he and his buddies would get the evil eye from everyone else.”

“Yes, that’s how I envision it. And, I wonder if it was an actual punch bowl. Like, how long has it been since people had an actual punch bowl at a party? Was this happening in the 50s? It seems much more like a college prank from the 70s or 80s.”

“It must have been earlier since the punch bowl is the main receptacle. Otherwise, it’d be like ‘a turd on the coffee table’ or ‘a turd in the fish tank’.”

“Good point. Must have been back when they’d have a big punch bowl that would inevitably get spiked, most likely by the same group that would ultimately shit in the thing.”

“I’m picturing Biff from ‘Back to the Future’.”

“Or, maybe not specifically Biff. Maybe one of Biff’s lackeys. Maybe the guy in each group from that era wore 3D glasses.”

“Yeah, not the leader, but the guy who was trying to show off.”

“Or, just whoever had to shit. It’s not exactly a prank that can be pulled at will.”

“Good point. And, to your earlier comment, the punch bowl must have just been the funniest place because you know turds were left elsewhere.”

“Right. Like, they tried other places, but nothing was as funny as the punch bowl. Like you mentioned, a turd on the table just didn’t have the same effect as watching that first person walk up for some punch and then go through the process of 1) seeing something in the bowl, 2) demonstrating initial curiosity about what it was and, 3) realizing it was a turd. I can’t imagine. That had to be the funniest shit, pun intended, anyone had ever seen.”

“Agreed. I’m kind of laughing about it as we speak. I kind of want to bring it back. I mean, how funny is a turd. Just a well-placed turd.”

“Like in the ice bucket or something.”

“Like a turd in the cooler. You know, someone goes to grab a cold one, opens the lid, and boom — a big whole turd on top of the bud light.”

“It’d be hilarious. An undeniable level of comedy. But, nothing sounds as good as a turd in the punch bowl.”

“Nothing. It’s just got such a ring to it. The guy, or guys, who came up with it were brilliant.”

“Pure genius.”

“Agreed. Alright, turd out.”

“Later. Turd on.”