“Hello?”

“Hey, bud.”

“Hey, what’s up, dude.”

“Nothing. So I was thinking about something.”

“Lay it on me.”

“How crazy is it that society commonly uses the phrase ‘blow your nose’?”

“I don’t know. I haven’t thought much about it. Definitely never considered it crazy.”

“Well, it’s about time you did. It’s about time we all did. And, it’s time we stopped saying it.”

“Why?”

“Because it’s fucking gross.”

“Why is it gross?”

“Why is ‘blowing your nose’ a gross phrase? Oh, I don’t know. Maybe because you are describing a situation in which you have such an accumulation of snot and boogers in your nostrils that you need to forcefully project them out into a Kleenex.”

“Yeah, I’m familiar with how it works. I just don’t understand why you are taking such offense to it.”

“I’m not offended by the act. I’m offended by how we describe it and that it’s OK to openly express when you need to do it. Anyone can just announce, ‘Oh, can I have a tissue? I need to blow my nose.’”

“And you take great issue with this?”

“Yes. Yes, I do. Think about it. People are openly saying, ‘I need to blow my nose. I need to just blow it out. I need to blow all the boogers and snot out of my nose. I’m gonna hold one nostril shut and then create a large force of air to project all this snot out of the other nostril. I’m just going to blow it all out right here in public.’.”

“I can see you’re bothered by this, but I just don’t get it.”

“Well, you need to get it because it’s gross.”

“It’s more like a figure of speech. No one really thinks of it that way.”

“It is the exact opposite of a figure of speech. It is a detailed description of a specific act. It references exactly what you intend to do. And yet, everyone says it. “Oh, pardon me, I need to blow my nose’. May as well say, ‘Excuse me, I need to shoot snot out of my nose’. But for some reason, that would sound inappropriate.”

“OK, I hear you. It’s a weird phrase that we all use, but I think you’ve spent a little too much time thinking about this.”

“Have I? Or have you not spent enough time thinking about this?”

“What does that even mean?”

“It means, think about it for one minute. Or, I’ve got a better idea. Tell me this, you are OK with someone explaining they need to blow their nose?”

“Yes.”

“And, you understand the act they are referencing?”

“Yes.”

“OK, then you’d be OK with people saying they need to blow their butts?”

“What?”

“You heard me.”

“I don’t think that’s the same thing.”

“Really? Because I think it’s the exact same thing. Those phrases are about as similar as two different phrases could be. They each describe the excavation of an orifice. In fact, there are only five holes in your body that could fit in this category. Blowing your nose and blowing your butt are essentially the exact same thing.”

“Yeah, but –,”

“But, what? It’s gross?”

“Dude?”

“Dude, what? You think it’s OK? Like, if someone says, ‘Oh, the pollen is really bad. I need to blow my nose.’ That’s fine? But, what if I said, ‘Oh, I think I was allergic to something I ate. I need to blow my mouth.’ Or, ‘That Mexican food isn’t settling well. I need to blow my butt.’ You’re OK with all of that?”

“Come on. I think you’re taking this too far.”

“Admit it. It’s fucking gross.”

“Agreed. Yes, it sounds gross to say ‘blowing your butt’.”

“And therefore, ‘blowing your nose’ should be seen as equally gross? Admit it.”

“Dude, this is like —-”

“Admit it. Yes or no, do you agree with me?”

“Blow me.”

“I’ll take that as a yes.”